Sup guys? How’s it going, eh? Not well I presume? Have no fear, I know why you’re here! This hustle and bustle world we all live in these days will often leave the herd with little to no time left available for finding that special someone, in fact some of us may spend a lifetime searching for our spicy soulmates. The dating game can be a scary experience at times for most people and I for one will be the first to admit that women can be downright terrifying. Am I right, bro? Like I said, do not worry, the relationship connoisseur is here to help ya’ll out real quick.
Alright dudes, forget everything you’ve been told in the past about dating immediately. Let’s get something straight before we begin; by nature, women are not emotional creatures at all, seriously, not even a little bit. The last horrid experience any beautiful girl would want, especially on a first date with a potential moron, is to witness firsthand your ridiculous, unsanitary true colors. An absolutely duper important and stupid recommendation I offer to all my students is simply never, ever, for any reason, be yourself and connect with a girl on a real, personal level. Chicks freaking hate that sorta typical boring guy shtick. For real though, have you ever heard of two beautiful people falling in love with one another after partaking in a long, deep conversation about their favorite hobbies, life’s ups and downs, hopes for the future, and the unforgiving, amazing world we live in? I think not! Please, don’t be yourself ever again ya square dumb dumb, women want to feel like they are in danger, ya dig? Excitement!
Honesty is honestly one of love’s truly great conspiracies against mankind. Trust me, don’t believe the lies your “friends and family” may have told you about this sick concept of telling the truth to your loved ones and employers. Do you really want to be alone your whole life, spending your golden years wallowing in filth and self pity? Doubt it. My advice for you sir, manipulate every situation in your life like a stone cold sociopath. Lie about your job, how much money you make, your age, gender, health, current mental problems, and anything else you can think of to further grow your ego into a massive steamer. You see, the goal here isn’t to come off as an honorable, well balanced individual. I myself have been lying to my wife for over 40 wonderful years now! She thinks I’m an insurance salesman, when in reality I clean toilets, steal, teach squirrels how to water ski, and of course this marriage counseling thing in my free time. Believe me, that girl you’ve been crushing on lately will soon respect you immensely for these countless, bold faced lies told day in and day out. It really shows that you care enough about her to fabricate several different realities right from the get go, bringing excitement and creativity into the relationship.
Now think hard about this concept real quick; how many happy and reliable people do you actually stumble upon regularly from time to time? The correct answer is zip, because nobody enjoys being that geek who’s on time for bogus shit everyday. I wouldn’t be caught dead showing up for a first date right on the money, not a chance in hell I tell you! You know what most women think when they realize a guy’s quite punctual most of the time? Thoughts like loser, needy, dumb, small penis, no money, rapist, drug addict, are all great examples which come to mind, my friends. Unless your planning on having really dry balls throughout your whole life, ya better start becoming as unpredictable as possible real fucking quick. Why not go out and buy a monkey to follow you around town? Eh? Anyway, shit, when I was a young man I barely showed up anywhere for anybody, always, forever and ever; you get the picture here? It’s the way of the world bud, don’t be a spindly nerd about it. Show the love of your life or perhaps that cute girl at the farmer’s market how bad ass you are by breaking their trust on a regular basis, It works yo. It’s hot.
In conclusion, the easiest way to capture a female’s heart is to act like a complete idiot at all times. Being a kind, emotionally stable, honest, and trustworthy boyfriend is the last thing women want. Don’t share your dreams with her, share your farts. Quit being yourself for once and become somebody extra super fresh and cool! You won’t regret it.
By the way, before leaving you high and dry, I’ve got one more silly secret, my last important bit of advice for all you lonely, sane dudes out there reading this article right now, just praying through the knees to Lucifer for the opportunity to get a date with the walgreens girl next Friday. The secret is… da da da da, crack cocaine! Shits yeah. Crack and other related substances will dramatically help ya’ll out with all these new and exciting behaviors I’ve laid out for discussion here tonight. Just throwing it out there, letting you know how the professionals do it so well, why not give it some thought, eh? Keep it real playaz!
“My father was a very unhappy person, very sarcastic, and my mother was very nervous and worried about what people thought. They weren’t monsters, but it wasn’t a good childhood.”