The Lowdown

An Angry Philosophy

Healthy Advice From A Friendly Neighbor

“On a cold winter night you find yourself driving down a slippery road just outside of town. Out of nowhere a vehicle appears and proceeds to ride your ass. What’s the very first thing that comes to mind?” 

All across the globe people are taking things for granted on a regular basis. Eating, sleeping, friends, and not getting kicked in the nuts, are all things we fail to appreciate as a supposed “conscious” beings on this planet. Will the human race ever learn from its frequent, stupid mistakes? I doubt it, fools! Ha! None of you will ever appreciate this world the way I do, but, if you want to learn something I have three pointers for all you lost souls out there, wandering around in a thick fog of confusion and self loathing.

First of all, nobody should have a drivers license. Operating a motor vehicle in this country is a damn privilege! I can’t believe the horse’s ass’s I find roaming the streets of my town day and night. Simply hoping in the driver’s seat every morning and going forward in their car’s, always with the intention of not killing a fellow pedestrian. Do good intentions ever work out? Absolutely not I tell you. People still die everyday due to car accidents and food related stupidity.

“Consider the infinitely tall system of identical massive cylinders and mass less planks. The moment of inertia of the cylinders is I = MR2/2. There are two cylinders at each level, and the number of levels is infinite. The cylinders do not slip with respect to the planks, but the bottom plank is free to slide on a table. If you pull on the bottom plank so that it accelerates horizontally with acceleration a, what is the horizontal acceleration of the bottom row of cylinders?”


For some reason people can’t seem to put down their damn cheese burgers before taking the wheel. Do you know how many people die every year from burger related accidents? Twenty seven billion. That’s right, you heard me. Twenty seven billion folks bleed to death with a greasy mcdouble clenched firmly between their fingertips every year in this country.

“Have you ever met a guy named Larry who doesn’t smoke cigarettes? Let me know, because I’ve never met a guy named Larry who isn’t currently a smoker or at least smoked at some point in their life.”

When will society put down the cheese covered death burgers from hell? Pickles and ketchup will eventually usher in the end of times for us all I assure you! Seriously though, just the other day I witnessed a short man roll straight through a red light into moving traffic, all because he farted out the chicken sandwich he was eating. The idiots sandwich fell underneath the brake pedal, causing the deaths of thirteen people. Do you understand?

The next topic up for discussion is public animal urination. Did you know that over one hundred thousand dogs will relieve themselves while at or near a public park within the next five seconds? The amount of urine these brainless dogs will spill at public parks today would fill the Atlantic ocean within minutes if collected. How could you let your animal urinate outside on the grass and trees? Don’t you realize that we all have to watch this disturbing act? Don’t you know that public urination is a crime? For fucks sake it’s not that hard to train your pet to use the toilet like a normal living thing.

“So what does everybody think about the new Star Wars Movie ‘The Force Awakens’? What do ya’ll think about the price of all the old movies? It’s going to cost me thousands of dollars to complete my collection. LMAO?”

Our parks are for recreation and not to be used as a giant toilet! How about I just walk on down to the local state trail and drop my three pound dump right on the path? Fresh and warm, steamed perfectly for everyone to admire. My dogs use the bathroom inside like good boys thank you very much!


One last idea real quick, a lesson in public relations for all you law breaking poop stains. The one thing you never, ever do when a police officer pulls you over is pull your pants down and show him the full moon of your quivering ass. Not a single soul on this planet wants to lay eyes upon that wrinkly, stanky thing you call a rear end, not even you own mother. Believe me, your mom never wanted to pull that thing out when you were a baby. I know for a fact she vomited several times throughout your ridiculous, derp fueled childhood. No mother should ever enjoy their child’s fresh butt cheeks. I pray every night for a future where all butts will become meaningless and go the way of the dodo bird.


“Some places are banning the song “white Christmas” from being played during the holiday season. While driving my wife to work tonight I heard I song called “blue Christmas” on the radio. Is that song about smurfs?”

In conclusion, anyone who eats while driving, let’s their dog urinate in public, or pulls their anus out for the world to see, deserve to be locked away from the rest of us normal, law abiding citizens, and always remember a swift kick in the balls builds character. Wake up people, and learn how to be human beings. I will pray for you all. Thank you.

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”

-Theodore Roosevelt


About Kinetic Lowdown (33 Articles)
A Blog of All-Inclusive Interests & Oddities: Sharing Unique Information & Taboo Discussion

2 Comments on An Angry Philosophy

  1. Oh yeah. I totally agree

    Liked by 1 person

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