If you stumbled onto this article looking for advice on how to be a good citizen, than for Christ’s sake, look no further! I’m sure you’re tired of smelling like crap day in and day out, rolling out of bed in the morning soaked in blood and urine, and making plans to go out on Friday night only to realize absolutely no one else plans on pooping their pants in a public swimming pool that evening. So, what’s a person to do? Simply quit acting like an asshole? I think not! Listen up, I have some fresh advice for the curious masses, can you dig it?
First things first, if you want to become a well rounded, decent, God fearing citizen you must always start with a crispy clean mind set. By that I mean, stop caring about what everyone else around you thinks! Yes indeed, my friend! I don’t give a flying fuck about my personal hygiene, let alone the obviously terrible condition my clothes are probably in at the time. Let me explain, If one simply ceases to care about what everyone else thinks, they allow themselves to transcend beyond the fear and doubt this world pushes upon us. When one possesses no fear, the average idiot may leap bounds into moving traffic without a single thought.
The next step isn’t quite as easy though. If one really, seriously wants to become a perfect and true symbol of a good citizen, one must scream profanities at all who stand in the way of one’s progress. Don’t let guilt or whatever bullshit hold you back, give it everything you’ve got and then some! Yell, “fuck the police” while you piss your pants in a movie theater, scream at the top of your lungs for all to hear, “I finger my own bum”, while donating blood at your local red cross, and so forth and so on. Mind you, I also take the time during my busy schedule to fart on a stranger at least 3 times, Monday through Friday. So keep your chin up dummy and follow these stupid simple steps closely, soon you will find yourself blending seamlessly with the rest of society.
Beginning to feel like a winner, eh? I bet you do, burp britches. Another piece of useful information for humankind to absorb here; never make plans with anyone, ever. Who the fuck plan’s on shitting themselves on the bus? No, you just do it when ya gotta go bitch! Only losers care about the feelings other people share and since basically everyone on earth is a winner, you’ll find yourself standing alone like a tool. Manners? Bullshit. Friends? Ridiculous. Clean demeanor? Throw it in the trash! Plans equal a complete failure as a human being. Real talk.
Still confused, buddy? Let me lay out an average afternoon in my shoes for ya’ll to ponder and think thoughts about. I assure all who are reading this article to the quality of my example.
I usually wake up in the morning around six or seven and start the day by brushing my teeth with the dish sponge I keep in the kitchen sink downstairs. After consuming several cans of baked beans and gravy, I make my way down to the dollar tree where I proceed to argue the price of products I find around the store, always refusing to accept anything the employees say as truth all the while releasing the aftermath of my massive bean consumption. Eventually, I’ll leave without making a purchase. A few hours later I’ll steal my neighbor’s car and park it a few blocks away from his house, making damn sure to leave all the lights on inside the cab before leaving the vehicle on the side of the road. Then, I’ll spend time getting some much needed exercise walking through town, and probably vomit on the sidewalk outside the local elementary school or something. The next few hours you will find me pounding drink after drink at the bar down the road from chucky cheese until I can’t open doors or stand. Now, this is the time to really shine! Nothing beats ruthlessly cursing out an old man trying to cross the street, or hurling dead rats at a gas station while hammered in the middle of the afternoon.
I hope everyone learned a thing or two today, I know we all have to start somewhere and not everyone is so lucky as I to have a father in their life to teach them how to be a good citizen. The world is not as scary as it seems! Please, take my words to heart. You’re doing great!
“When I was 18, I thought my father was pretty dumb. After a while when I got to be 21, I was amazed to find out how much he’d learned in three years.”