Have you ever wanted to instantly double your website traffic overnight? Hells yeah? Well then, stop using Twitter shithead! Hi, my name is Captain Dingleberry. I’m the suit wearing asshole whose face is probably plastered somewhere on my homepage next to my super awesome Forbes sticker. So first things first, just so you’re fully aware, I am way better than you at doing absolutely everything. Now that I’ve cleared that up for ya dumb shit, I going to begin barking out some crap about blogging and why all of you are all so terrible at what you do.
First off, your content fucking sucks. Christ, I’ve been on generic websites like yours before and all I find is pure, unadulterated bullshit. No lie, every single blog I’ve ever read is essentially an overflowing river of feces and it seems I alone hold the answer to everybody’s stupid questions, so do yourself a solid for once and open your fucking ears. The number one most important thing you must understand before deciding to start a blog is marketing strategy and the ability to read. Simple answer you say? False, you inbreed, incoherent pile of dog shit. Marketing isn’t as simple as sharing your farts on Twitter and Facebook, it really all comes down to asking other bloggers if they will share your links on their blog or something whatever after you get to know them. Keep in mind that everything on the world wide web is complete garbage so these pathetic relationships will help both parties involved I assure you.
Secondly, you must cease blogging about yourself immediately you shit. Admit it, you fucking suck. Everything about your content screams “neck bearded loser”, not to mention I never see enough posts about marketing or how to blog correctly on your websites. Do you people even know how to think? The only subjects blog readers want to read about is how to blog, how to write a blog post, and how to blog properly. I suggest you remove those other fruitcake posts about what the fuck ever right the fuck now, and stop using Twitter dumbass! Seriously though, do you even have friends or family? I have so many more friends and family members than you due to the fact that I’m rich and successful. I’m just going to assume you’re poor and stupid since reading this blog post is the only thing going for you at the moment. I’m rich and you’re poor, stupid.
Seriously, for the love of god, please make damn sure every single article you post from now on is about blogging. Blog, blog, blog? Absolutely everyone is required to know the correct process involved in this activity if one requires self worth. Sadly, only my genius can solve this stupid problem for everybody; to hell with your terrible blog topics about animals and the solar system. Twitter fucking sucks bitch and if your website traffic doesn’t double immediately I’ll seriously consider going out to eat a fancy dinner where I shall partake in a 4 hour discussion with other bloggers about marketing turds and what time during the day is best for writers to share their diarrhea of the mouth. This is all super interesting I assure you.
I’m going to leave you now with an important final thought; never, ever forget to inform the whole world of it’s flaws on a regular basis and make damn sure they understand that everything, everywhere blows 24/7. Do ya want to actually make a living so you can quit Burger King? Simply begin by talking down to everyone you meet throughout the day. So to wrap shit up here, always remember that I’m way more interesting than you are, and please, don’t forget to tell your wife I’ll be there around 9 tonight to pick her up. I’m awesomesauce, and you’re like a nobody, nothing kind of a thing.
Thank you so much for reading this very important, original article and please don’t forget to sign up for some boring ass fucking self help video that’s floating around. I’m sure It’s been blasting you in the face the whole time you’ve been here but I could give a fuck less. Never forget, I’ll be swinging by to pick up your wife around 9 for drinks. C. Dingle signing off.
“I try not to be a jerk. I really do. I try to be nice and cordial.”